What's all this barmy stuff?
Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
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Barmy Spotlight of the Week
From: Planes of Law:
Mechanus, page 20. On Hallowed Ground, page 176.
Now all grown up and a proxy of Psilofyr, Zo-non is the myconid ambassador to both the guvnors (who have uses for the myconids ink, and spores those they won't admit it) and modrons (who like a certain flowery oil and polishing chemical the myconids make). Appearing as a large myconid with an over large top, he is also one of the few of his people to wear clothes, a long robe and stylish pair of dark tinted glasses (a present from the modrons for a special scented oil to put in Primus's pool). He also carries a large sealed pack of hallucinatory spores, which he shares freely within anyone who asks, while describing some of his most barmy hallucinatory experiences. This make him extremely popular many places, especially on his rare trips to Automata or Sigil.
This week for Laughs, Giggles, and Cackles of the Planes we've dared the the clashing cubes of Acheron to bring you the laughs of all the barmy natives who make their homes there. Feast your ears on the sounds of the Sword Spirit, Achaierai, Kobold, Rust Dragon, and Goblins! Also, do all your cutters out there like the laughs? Have a favorite? Any requests for what planes or creatures to do next? Let us know.
[For more information on the Animal Lords and Warden Beasts mentioned here, see Heregul's excellent essay on the subject]
Animal Underlings are the servants, side-kicks, henchmen, and retainers of the Animal Lords. They're the ones who carry the royal scepters and luggage, listen to the lords while they cackle about their plans, and generally do all the things that the Lord can't get their hands dirty with. The Underlings take the form of an animal of the same kind as the Animal Lord, usually being the weakest and runtiest form. Animal Underlings are often confused with Warden Beasts, although similar, the Warden's are more like emissaries or advisors of the lord (and allot more respected), while the Underlings are closer to servants with no say in anything. Though generally pitied by everyone else, they still have a fierce loyalty to their lord. Described below are some of the more well known of the Animal Underlings.
Wolf Underling - This underling is a omega wolf by the name of Brutus (Pe / Wolf / 1 HD / N), appearing as a small runty wolf with scraggled hair and teary eyes that runs with the pack. Though often yelled at as the scapegoat for anything that might go wrong in the lords plans, he is also the one who lightens up the depressingly serious wolf pack with his amusing antics. While not actually being yelled at, Brutus scurries around the edges of the lords camp doing menial things like gathering firewood twigs, trying to light a fire with paws, and cooking the lords favorite meal, Mouse Lord Macaroni, or at least, the bits that are left of the Mouse Lord. Brutus will often be sent to talk to anyone wanting to approach the Wolf Lord, as he's the only one who won't instantly rip anyone's throat out, and besides, his weakling appearance will make the approachers over confidante, basically making it easier to rip their throats out later.
Hawk Underling - The Hawk Lord's underling is the evil old hawk with barely a handful of feathers left called Archime (Pe / Hawk / 1/2 HD / N), who usually perches on his lords shoulder squinting at anyone around. Though probably seen as the Hawk Lord's closest advisor to outsiders, he mostly just mutters on about how horrible everything is and that no one should be trusted. His lord mostly keeps him around because he makes a very intimidating presence when she needs it, dealing with other lords or fiends and such. He occasionally is called on to swoop in and grab something for his lord, which results in a mad flapping of feathers (usually losing a few more in the process) and slew of cursing, but mostly he stays on her shoulders snoozing.
Cat Underling - The underlings for the Cat Lord, more like pets really in this case, are a sleek pair of young black panthers that are always at her side named Somt and Serrjy (Pe / Panthers / 1 HD / CN). Though not entirely the smartest cats around, even snickergly called dogs by the other cats because of their fierce devotion, they still protect their lord well, guarding her every moment from intruders. When theirs no danger around however, they're kitty cats at heart, often distracting their lord by wanting to be petted, play with a ball of string, or wrestle with her. They have no menial duties, in fact their often are the work in other cats, who have to clean up after them when they make a mess.
Lizard Underling - The half barmy, half neurotic iguana Suziggy (Pe / Iguana / 1 HD / CN) takes the place as the Lizard Lord's underling, mostly she's just someone to get the lord small items by picking them up in her mouth and dragging them back. When not in service at this small task, she's often found making trouble tormenting the other lords subjects, from tying snake tails together to flipping turtles on their backs. She is also often found sleeping on the lords hat, especially after she's been up to trouble and theirs snakes and turtles looking to get back at her. When agitated about something, and she's agitated allot, she often scampers over the the lords shoulder and into his shirt, scurrying around the ruffles and out the shirt sleaves.
Mouse Underling - The Mouse Lord's (or more accurately lords') Underling is the old sickly white field mouse Grams (Pe / Mouse / 1/8 HD / N), more a stick with legs really. He has served all the Mouse Lords for years now, serving them each well until they ended as they all do in a damp squeak. Often nearby at their deaths, he's been swallowed and spit out numerous times now, predators never finding him to their tastebuds liking. He's there when a new lord is chosen, to help them learn the ropes of lordom and stories of how their predecessors survived the whiles of nature. When the lords threatened and has to run away, the underling doesn't so much as run, as he does hobble after, luckily usually being mistaken as to sickly to be healthy to eat.
Ape Underling - The monkey Bibliothek (Pe / Monkey / 1 HD / N) is the Ape Lord's underling, or more accurately his jester. The Ape Lord believing humanoids to be a mockery, Bib dresses up in whatever clothing was left over from the last clueless to stumble into the lords domain, a shirt draped over him and helmet engulfing his head, and prances around for the merriment of the other apes and monkeys, whose howls of laughter can be heard all over the layer. Bib houses a deep secret though, as the more he wears the clothes the more he wonders what being a human would be like. To this end he has been trying to be allowed to go out with one of the lords wardens, so that he may jump on (monkeys have strange ways of introducing themselves) some adventurers for help in becoming more human.
Not Worth the Price
Background: On a small prime world where the PCs hail from, the lady of a a nearby castle, Lady Kinderlike (Pr / Human / 0-level / CG), is having the time of her life, except for the one small detail of her prize roses getting stolen every night, along with some other objects around the castle. She isn't to worried about this though, for while her husband is off killing some dragons and can't investigate, it also means she's free to wile away in the delight of a wooer who has mysteriously shown up, meeting her every night. So with her husband off and her times at night filled up, she hires the party of PCs to stakeout in the rose garden, and solve her small mystery.
1. The Wooer. The mysterious man courting Lady Kinderlike is actually Yamgeist (Pl / Githzerai / T3, W2 / The Merry Bobbers / CN), a githzerai Knight of the Post from Sigil, whose guild The Merry Bobbers has found a shifting portal to a number of prime worlds, including this one. He's been sent through the portal to investigate, the portal key both ways being exotic flowers. Finding that he had the flowers anyway, he figured he myswell enjoy himself on these boring prime missions, and so has taken to wooing high born ladies on each of the shifting portal's ends. Lady Kinderlike not being to smart, she hasn't yet figured her mysterious rosenapper and thief of small chocolates and jewelry is the same wooer whose bringing her flowers, candies, and necklaces that are actually hers already.
The gardens of the castle are well tended, and have a number of benches for the PCs to sit on as they wait for the mysterious rosenapper. The portal he appears out of is actually a window on the side of the castle, but on the Sigil side its a manhole with a ladder leading down it, so Yamgeist appears coming out of the window end first. He however instantly knows where all the PCs are, for he has left his familiar here, a Quasit by the name of Nyark, who is hiding out in frog form under a statue of a garden gnome, and has been watching the PCs for the past hour blunder around the garden.
Foiled at meeting his lady this night (he really likes Lady Kinderlike), and knowing he's been spotted, Yam will fight and cast spells just long enough to grab up Nyark, and make his way into the castle. Having a high sense of dramatic presence for a githzerai, he make his way to Lady Kinderlieks bedroom, to kiss her as he gives her one of the exotic flowers, saying he'll be back soon after. He waits her awhile for the PCs to show up, so he can impress the lady by his daring swordplay and flashy spells. He then dashes out the window to the garden, making sure the PCs are still catching up, and grabbing a rose makes his way through the portal.
The portal stays open long enough for them to pursue, or if they wait to long and it closes, one of the roses will still open it.
2. In Sigil. Though the PCs don't know it, Yamgeist mission to the prime wasn't to steal valuables or anything like that, but actually to stir up enough trouble where a group of adventurers was sent to investigate, and then have them follow him into a portal. See, the guild he belongs to, The Merry Bobbers, are actually an organization of the Knights of the Post who try and bring more clueless to the planes, so that way they can bob them every week while they flounder around the Planes.
As the PCs fall out of the portal, it spiting them out of the manhole, they can just make out Yamgeist as he disappears in a crowd of creatures from every face of the Multiverse. Before they have a chance to jostle there way through the crowd after him, a spinagon named Zar'zar (Pl / Spinagon Baatezu / Merry Bobbers / LE) an official "prime roarer" in the guild jumps out at them, gibbering madly and doing a grand impression of "horrible slobbering fiend". It rages on about the heritage of their mothers, and compares their crystal sphere to parts of a Fhourge that shouldn't be mentioned.
Before the PCs can get to offended or try and fight the fiend, a bariaur tout named Strudydoof (Pl / Bariuar / F4 / Merry Bobbers / N) shows up, offering to guide them around the majesty of Sigil for a small price, and stoutly defends them from the fiend by insulting it in its own language. They don't see him wink at the fiend over their shoulders.
3. Bobbed. At this point the PCs can either stay in Sigil and find out more about it, or try getting back home via the shifting portal that might or might not be there. Lady Kinderlike continues seeing Yamgeist, even though she still wonders what's happening to her roses, or even those adventures she hired that seemed to have disappeared. The PCs are also now in the Merry Bobbers books, and any treasure or darks they find on the planes they will slowly find going to the Merry Bobbers, via inn owners, touts, chant mongers, pick pockets, and all other Knights of the Post in their employ. This can lead to further adventures, as the Merry Bobbers are happy to tell the PCs about grand treasure troves on the planes guarded by ferocious monsters or towns that need rescuing, since they know they can sit safely in Sigil and wait for all the PCs to come back to them to get bobbed.
For the first of Savrous, we offer a special spell straight from (via a roundabout way, also known as getting a sensate wizard drunk and riffling through their spellbook) the extensive collection of spellbooks in the Festhall. A Sensate favorite, one can count on almost every barmy Sensate wizard (especially drunk ones) having it in their repertoire.
This spell originally started out as the reverse of Warp Sense, where as Warp Sense allows primes to see the glow of portals, Warped Sense was supposed to make planars not see the portal's glow. Since then the spell has evolved beyond though, and none of the older editions can be found. Now the spell goes even farther, not only making a planar more prime like by removing his ability to sense portals, but actually addling his brain where he's boggled by infinity, thinks the prime is better then all the planes, and says "golly" whenever he sees fiends or celestials walking around. It even goes as far as to make them remove their spiky armor and stop using the cant!
Truly a dangerous spell, luckily it only works on those willing, and no one has yet to overcome this limitation. Now why would anyone in there right mind want be more like the Clueless? Well, for the Sensates, it gives a fresh new perspective on the Multiverse, allowing them almost to experience it all over again. Also note this spell has no effect on primes, which we should all should be thankful for because double clueless primes would truly be worse. The components of the spell require the caster to bug his eyes out at the target, and say "Prime prime rhyme" three times.
All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.