Back to
Barmy to
the Spire

What's all this barmy stuff?
About

Want to find out what has been forgotten in the Styx?
Archives

Not enough barminess for you?
Features

The planes being the way they are, what with all manner of races and and frogs and cabbages and things that go 'pop', there's no single uniform creation myth. Everybody has one, and in some cases, more than one are actually right - because again, the planes are just like that. Now, I, Charles Darlose, am out to find the truth! I shall ask the masses the truth of where the slaadi came from! The masses in front of the Gatehouse, to be precise.

"In the beginning, there was a big sloppy mess, which exploded and got all over everything. I tracked it on my mom's carpet and she got mad. Mmm! Pickles!"
- Alb'reqt, Red Slaadi

"Where do slaadi come from? Got me, I'd say some power thought it might be funny if big frogs hopped around the place... if I was immortal, I know that'd amuse me."
- Mordred, random passerby from Sigil's streets.

"Slaad? Don't they have a big rock that they spawn with or something?"
- William the Fantastically Stupendous, Prime warrior, before accidently falling down a manhole.

"Hophophop! I slaadi! I slaadi! Where do I come from? Where come you do from, mmm? Questions too many you ask, perhaps you should wonder more where mother came from your, yes?"
- A bunch of Xaositects, as they painted me pink.

"Well, when a mother slaadi and a father slaadi fall in love..."
- Some lady, before I ran away.

"....."
- a patch of razorvine.

"<a clothesline, arrow pointing at some shirts> - C + th <a giant> <a frog> <a naked statue with a Censored sign over it's private bits>? <eye> Th + <inkpot> T + <hay> C + <a person humming> F + <a big mug of darkish liquor> <an unsolved addition problem, an arrow pointing at the blank where the answer goes> <a person with lots of clothes on> <a House For Sale By Fated Realty sign> - ty + lly <a pile of muck> + <pie>."
"Those big frog thingies? I think they come from somewhere really sloppy."
- A dabus

"Big frogs you say? With tattoos on? And loinclothes? I'd say they come from Limbo, yes?"
- James, a Prime mage who actually did his reading

Barmy Spotlight of the Week
Vargouilles

From:Planescape Monstrous Compendium I, page 114
About: Hated by most everyone, vargouilles are some of the barmiest creatures on the lower planes. They resemble nothing more then languished fiendish heads, huge yellowish eyes that tend to swivel in all directions, and their strangest feature, ears that are fine greenish bat wings. They have no body, and their hair is long stripped tentacles that curl at the ends, flowing down in a strangling mass. When seen their mouths are almost always hanging open, the creatures screaming and howling as they madly flap along. Whatsmore, if one of these creature happens to bit you, they plant a wet slobbering kiss on a berk, causing him to quite literally lose his head, and also become one of these fascinating creatures. The creature obviously can not communicate - how do you hear with bat wings? - and scholar wonder if this is why they always seem to be in a mad temperament. It also make these creature quite common in Pandemonium, unaffected by the howling winds, except maybe to get fluttered around and bounced into walls. 
Barminess: It's a bloody flapping bat-winged head, who likes to kiss adventurers.
Quote: "Icannottt shrieeeking shriek shrieking herrrruuu!"
Likes: Accessories, pretty bows, ear piercings, lip gloss. When people are happy when their kissed, and use breath mints. Mimirs, they have this strange fellow feeling. 
Dislikes: Not being able to tell people they want accessories, and not having hands to go get the stuff themselves. Headhunters. All these berks showing up with shields to try and gain control of them, and whatsmore, having nasty disfigured heads before they even get there.

Barmy Bonus:
Vargouille Costume (With Flapping Ears)
As seen in the Erin's Fun Toy's catalogue, this fun costume is delight any a young tiefling as they go about trick or tricking. Consisting of a small greenish helm, attached are long green ropes dies in green and purple, mechanical gnome-improved bat wings that are operated by a small cord that allows a wearer to flap them madly, and a long dark to wrap around and convince everyone your actually a ghoulish barmy flapping head. Have fun with your younger brother by jumping out behind the bed, howling madly, and trying to give him a big smooch on the cheek.

Though made more amusement purposes, some paladins have taken to the costume when visiting the lower planes, hoping that actual vargouilles will take them as already kissed, and ignoring them. Of course, they site of a armored paladin wearing a small helmet, cloak draped behind like a small towel, and pulling on the cord like mad to get the wings flapping, might just make them think he's barmy enough not to mess with.

Sickles
(\ and Scythes /)

Recently in the newsrag "Weaponry of the Planes and Blood War" was an article dear to my barmy heart, finally bringing to light the often neglected sickles and scythes. I have yet to see a planewalker brandishing these weapons, and am glad someone's started trying to change there image of regular farm equipment. Though they where originally featured in that tome "The Planewalker's Handbook" (page 135), only now has "Weaponry" started actively started marketing these barmy weapons. Oh, and be sure to check out the other article in this months issue, Sharpening your wiggly blade: What to do when your blade goes straight.

The Sickle
A curved hook tapering to a point with a short handle, this is a perfect weapon for both celestials and fiends. Here we see are aasimar model with this fabulous weapon, dressed in brilliant armor and spotted leggings, a soft glow seeming to emanate from his strong features. He turns, his shiny armor glinting in the sun, and we see the curved sickle dangling from his belt, among other items. It shows a graceful deadliness, while at the same time blending in with the common pouches and items at his belt. As he purposefully strides down the street, he could either be off to a heroic skirmish with invading fiends or simply off to help an old women with her harvest. It gives him the perfect image, deadly yet friendly to the everyday man or farmer. At the same time, as he draws another sickle hidden behind his cloak, both deadly hooks gripped in either hand, he looks the terrifying image that would be at place on any fiend trying to terrify a village.

Our sickles come in a number of size and colors, as well as a number of metals such as green steal for only a small mount of jink extra. Plus, for a limited time only, were offering a special discount on special forge hide leather grips and special barbed blades to truly put in mind to your enemy that your definitely not mad at just some innocent corn.

The Scythe
A long thin blade attached to a tall bent handle, the scythe is both deadly sweeping weapon and fashionable staff. Here we have our second model, a lovely tiefling in tight fitting leather and spiked armpads, short flaming red hair playing over her face as she grins with slightly deadly intent. In her gloved hands she holds the scythe straight and leans nonchalantly against it. The perfect pose for a traveling planewalker, a walking staff and handy weapon in one. The scythe allows her to show a serene expression, yet at the same time putting a weapon in hand much closer then the dagger attached to her belt. She grins, perfect teeth catching the light, and takes a battle pose, gently swinging the scythe through the air with a deadly grace, the air being split with a gentle swoosh. She spins, taking out imaginary opponents behind here, the perfect balance of the scythe allowing her to spin it around to at all sides. This weapon is perfect in combat, in the hands of planewalker or fiend, giving you a deadly image to scare off any would be robbers, and a deadly blade to make a point to those who don't scare.

Our scythes are also available in a number of metals and woods. Also available is a double bladed scythe, perfect for those who wants to be twice as deadly as they twirl through there opponents like a barmy whirlwind.

Stepped-on of the Pit
Lemures and Nupperibos as PCs

So, those uppity celestials can now go adventuring can they? But what of the fiends? Bar that, right, we can't let players be fiends, fiends do naughty things! But what about the Least fiends, stepped-on by all sides, opposed by celestials, fiends, and even the plane that spawned them. Now that's adventure material! In this light, BttS is proud to present the least baatezu as PCs, giving ideas of how to roleplay these fascinating creatures, the adventurers they can go on, and running a Stepped-On campaign.

Lemure
The least of the least, these dripping blobs of flesh make up the lowest of baatezu society. They're more pitiful then evil, only taking place in the Blood War as mindless beings to be slaughtered, they're only hope is they'll survive long enough to be promoted (Promoted Lemure PCs are, of course, turned into NPCs at that point). Being petitioners themselves, Lemures often show signs of their previous life, a character trait such as twitching, or being more sulky or ambitious. Lemure PCs appear almost exactly as the horde of other Lemures, but often have distinguishing features such as broken swords or pieces of discarded armor they've found from old battles. This is often the reason they get in so much trouble, higher ranking fiends being able to distinguish them, and continually make their lives miserable.
Roleplaying Suggestions: A lemures drive is only to survive, and to gain promotion. While being evil creatures, they're more likely to want to run from then torment someone, and are best played as the pitiful creatures they are, whipped on by the higher ranking fiends.
Ability Adjustments: Lemures have a -8 to Intelligence, a -4 to Strength, Dexterity, and Wisdom, a -14 to Charisma, and a +2 to Constitution.
Special Abilities: Being practically mindless creatures, lemures are unaffected by most mind affecting magic, such as charm. They still can, of course, and often are, whipped or threatened into doing things anyway. The lemures biggest advantage is it's regeneration, gaining 1 hp per round and being able to survive even if the tiniest bit of it survive. Other fiends know this too, and take great delight in tormenting lemures over and over, or sending them on dangerous missions, such as into boiling lava.
Special Hindrances: Lemure PCs can not leave the lower planes, not only would they have a hard time surviving, but the higher-up fiends won't let them. With the PC distinguishing themselves, the higher-up fiends take a special interest, and keep tabs are their favorite genny-pigs.
Class Options: Lemure PCs can by 0-level, and some are intelligent enough to become fighters (2nd level max) or priests (1st level max). 

Nupperibo
Though higher in station then the Lemure, the Nupperibo PC is actually less intelligent and often out-ranked by a lemure PC when away from higher-up fiends. The nupperibos are round and fat, slightly bloby appendages sticking out. They have even less hope then the lemures, as they must be demoted to ever gain rank. This means their primary goal is only to survive, and try not to become a snack for some other fiend. Though not as good at scavenging old weapons as the lemures, these least fiends often are given clubs to fight in the Blood War, and often wear strange loin clothes. Sometime they are also branded, which is common when traded to the yugoloths be higher baatezu.
Roleplaying Suggestions: Having almost no intelligence, the nupperibo are best played as stumbling idiots, egged on my their superiors, or fellow lemures.
Ability Adjustments: Lemures have a -14 to Intelligence, a -6 to Strength, and Wisdom, a -14 to Charisma, and a +4 to Constitution.
Special Abilities: Just like the lemure, nupperibo PCs are immune to mind affecting spells, and regenerate at 1hp a round, and can grow back if even a bit of them is left. They also have the special power of cause fear, though they can only use it when ordered to by a higher-ranking fiend (the DM) and more then Nupperibo is present.
Special Hindrances: Nuppribos are even worse off then lemures, often being eaten at the slightest whim, or sold to the 'loths.
Class Options: Nupperibos can be 0-level, or fighters (1st level max) 

Adventure and Campaign suggestions

Nupperibo and lemure PCs are not suggested for regular adventurers, and are bested played in a Stepped-On only campaign, taking place in the lower planes. The adventure ideas for a group of lemures and nupperibos is endless, from fighting in the Blood War taking down evil fiends, saving the city of Minauros from sinking by bravely going into the stinking bog to explore the old sunken cities and returning masonry, building the new cities of Malbolge, being entertained by yugoloths, or simple exploring all the places to hide as the Blood War rages around. There are, unfortunately, not often many princess to save (A lemure can get kicked in the flesh if even suggests this to an erinyes), but the PCs saving their own skin is probably good enough. Villains is no problem, every other fiend, paladins, or celestials will take a chance to take a kick at a lemure or nupperibo, and whatsmore, they'll regenerate so they can do it all over again the next day!

Last Week's Chant

All content copyright 1999 Jeremiah Golden or credited authors.